Someday...

Come to the mountain top
Rise above the smog
Be remined that
God is God
As high as you are I am higher
As big as you are I am bigger
As strong as you are I am stronger
I am God

--------------------------------------------

It's been a while since I said no
So I'm not quite sure how this should go
I ain't got much that's worth a show
But I'm still better on my own.

--------------------------------------------

Nothing ever never fails to complicate
Aren't you clever for coming in so late
To woo, seduce, and use
Mabye I can't choose
But what if I do
Not above fate
Not inviolate
But better than you

--------------------------------------------


Someday I will name them
-Jn

Clearly the wrong word

I can't find the peace. Everything is hurried and disjointed and there are lots of little hopes and future plans to push me in a forward direction like spring break and graduation and the happy hippie house but the forward isnt really working to sustain the present and the past can only help so much before it is drained of emotion. Welcome to the limbo before break.

I cannot find enough time to write what I need and so I am starving and thus very off in all realms. There isnt much continuity right now. I talk to good people, I get bad grades back, I make dinner with a friend, I turn in my homework really late. They sort of all get filled good or bad and receive the same allotment of emotion for a brief period of time and are forgotten in a stack. When you don't eat for long enough you can forget you are hungry, food stops looking appetizing. So when there is no up or down I am inbetween with a sort of hollow aching apathy. I would write but what is there to write about really. I don't want to. Nothing good comes out. Starving. Something is wrong. I can't focus. I can't communicate with people. I have no time currency to buy words with anyways. Starving.

And any professor I tell that I haven't eaten in 3 days will be shocked and send me to get food maybe even during class. If I dont have money or time or something necessary they would try to help or might tell me to get a psych eval if it looks like its my fault. But if I tell them that I need some space to write it will mean nothing and if I mentioned that I am losing the desire and the ability to write they wont realize how far downhill I have gone.

I am a scientist and a writer. It isn't what I do; it is who I am. When I get off balance or when I cannot be these things I can't really function. Like starving.

------------------------------------------------
These words may be lots of things but they are not 'nice'. That is such a hollow word. It doesn't have meaning anymore. I would rather you tell me it sucks or you are too busy to read it or you dont like poetry or you don't care. Those statements are honest not ones you use to take up space or indicate that you arent totally ignoring someone or something like that. It just always smells like cheap aftershave. Nice.

In betweens (Penthouse- 2/25/06)

I have been in love before
It didn’t treat me well
Seems that I attract
The deeper circles of hell
That’s all I am I guess
But tell me what you see
I’ll play ‘ever always’ for you
Be there for what you need
I can fall into your arms
Gaze into your eyes
And tell you that you’re everything
When you turn out the light
And I will mean it from the depth of me
I am not one for lies
But I don’t go much deeper anymore
Than soft looks and long sighs
It’s safer on the surface
Pretending not to feel
Pretending nothings wrong
Pretending I can heal
Here is my hand- “I love you”
You can teach me what it means
Or just use and leave me
Lost in between the in betweens

-----------------------------------------

Only Once (Penthouse 2/25/06)

One note
That's all I wrote
Left it hanging in the air
I'd turn bullfrogs into babies
If I though you really cared
Words are only words
It's how you've always been
Worth the sin
But maybe only once

Keep on rockin me baby

Somedays I bounce off walls. Somedays I bounce of emotions. Somedays I just go splatwumph into a corner. I woke up this morning at 0315 for work and said "It's Friday!" This is not a good sign but I am hoping the goodness of the weekend still keeps bubbling up and flowing over like it has been. Yah know when you get around a group of good people and its sorta like a wall around you or stakes around a tree to hold it up under the snow and keep snowplows from running into it. I think thats kinda like me. I am a wimpy excuse for a tree planted way too late in the season but some nice person took pity on my pathetic bendy-over form and planted some stakes in around me in a hopeful manner just in case I might survive. I am going with last week was the first big emotional deathandsnow storm and I am still kicking but sort of against my will. I was ready to yield to that smooth cutting blade of the snowplow and become a martyr on the altar of academia where blood and fire flow...but it didn't happen. Damn friends taking care of me when I don't want to be taken care of.

Sunday was one of them wall bouncing days for the most part. I worked in the wee hours and had a stellar chunk of conversations with 106 and then wandered to the rectory to chill and catch breakfast till church. JJ slept in but Tybo made it. We sung some pretty good hymns and I passed in my membership card and we sung a "God kicks ass" hymn at the end so you can't walk out of that building unhappy really. Plus I got to see 104 which ends the 2 week plus streak of no contact and waiting to talk about unpleasant little accidents. The soup was unique as was the bread but both were more than eatable little experiments and we rounded JJ up for lunch even though he's one of them "heathen" alarm-sleep-throughers. Still no Lu but we will make it work eventually because we like her a lot.

Compliments of Steph! you get a picture of us in the throws of despair working on Physics after lunch.

The pooch is all sad looking over the books we have scattered on the floor and I am in some serious mourning to the point of tearing my garments and beating my head against the floor...at least the floor part. The expression on Tybo's face is something akin to WTF though I don't imagine he would actually voice those words. It still amuses me thoroughly. JJ skipped out a little before this to go to work but our little pow-wow didn't last too much longer because brain dead ensued.

Me and Steph! wandered over to the Taize service after dinner too. It was pretty sweet with some of those painful dark silences mixed in with some simple but deep melodies of praise and request. It is like a month worth of sighs gathered up and expressed in a meaningful way. I would do it again. I like spending my whole day at the church. I should live in the rectory all the time. It won't be hard. Lent is coming quick and that means lots of seminars and prayer services and all those other good things that you do to get ready for good Friday then Easter.

Ah well shifts almost over...my week begins.

Happy Hippie Update

I have been more or less dismal of late which is an unfair view of me actually. In reality I have been really up and down and not without some good reason. The stuff that happens is big stuff it just comes pretty rapid fire so I make the swings quick. Anways I decided to write one on the upswing so y'all didnt give up on me.

I have mentioned a happy hippie house more than once and I mentioned MBI in passing. While no one was looking I scrambled the two together with a sprinkling of HQ people for spice. Nothing is for sure yet but I am begging God to make this work.

MBI= Marine Biology Institute= Class required for my concentration that I got out of and am now taking anyways. It is a month long field class that basically means running around on salt marshes beaches and oceans (we gordon students can walk on water ya know) and looking at 'things' and studying 'stuff' and refering to Stuff nthings in 2 part latin names in italics in research papers and labs. Blend is heading it up and profs from chem and biology all get to play guest lecturer at least once. Jenn=Wicked stoked. We may also get some time at the lighthouse to camp and campfire and play the harmonica to the stars. I need to learn how to play the harmonica.

It also means that I am guaranteed a reason to stay up here where God smiles on me via Christ Church until July. Did I mention that Lent is coming up soon which leads directly to Easter which is the most amazing time in the world to be me-at-Christ-Church. (I think I am passing in my membership card tomorrow...wish me luck)

In circuitus and sundry ways the greater portion of HQ people who surround my life at present are also planning on taking MBI. (These people need names that aren't their names...Lu, Steph!, Tybo, and I think he actually goes by Jingle Jangles in some circles so we will stick with that only shortened to JJ for the sake of shortness.) There are also some others who are planning on taking the class but I think its random freshman and while I dont intend to ignore them, well the all of us have known each others for a decent chunk of time and we just sorta fit together in a unique and makes-Jn-smile way. That said, I proposed a happy hippie house at my present Ispinach location for the 5. To be fair not everyone is a hard core hippie BUT we all have tendencies in the hippie direction even if we don't share the full crunch factor and I never expected a collection of people just like me...its hard to have a good conversation when everyone agrees all the time. Anyways everyone liked the idea in theory and I got ridiculously excited way to early in this game. Its essential enough now to my present mental status and future gradution in fact that if the happy hippie house falls through so will my degree I think. Hence begging God. But today He delivered LL to my front door and got her excited when I asked for the lease to be extended till July 1. Things are looking stellar from my end of the world. We are just waiting now for the collective bunch of us to nail down plans for sure and sign on to the whole house idea in addition to getting the registar to accept the little pink and green forms in replicate.

I like my life and I love these people. Last night 4 of us hung out together at the rectory to watch movies and chill in happiness and tomorrow at least 4 of us and the one signifigant other of the bunch (I think we will call her Mo as she also needs a name) are attending Christ Church and eating lunch together at the rectory before scampering back to campus and death in the form of physics homework.

On a side note: All my life I have been facinated by the harmonica. It is ridiculously portable and not many people play it and everyone is sort of awed when you do. It goes well with guitars but really you can slip it in anywhere if you are so inclined. You can tell stories with the music and poetry just drips out in happy and sad tones. I have no musical talent or ability which makes this seem rather daunting but man do I need to learn how to play the harmonica.

Plan

We are just going to have to all work together and agree that this week was more or less a waste. I am struggling to pull the good bits out from the bad but pretty much without fail those good bits were the opposite of productive in any real or imaginary sense of the word. I was too fundamentally unhappy in my core to do anything right (or write for that matter).

There needs to be like a special pass for people to step out of the race for a few days.
I think this is especially true for writers and artists but I know a good many scientists who would step out of their world for a week to do 'pure' research if given the chance.

This is how these passes work. You are exempt from all anything that seems or feels ordinary or stifles creativity or gets in the way of being actually productive. This means that for a few days work doesn't matter and you (I) don't have to go to class. This also means things like washing dishes and doing homework and showering (if you do it) can be put on hold. Then again if you think better in the shower then by all means please do it frequently and often. You have a pass. However these passes are NOT an excuse or invitation to catch up on yard work or sleep or overdue items. It isn't a time to be busy, it is a time to be useful. You are making your quality of life better by letting your creativity go and should you choose to share it you improve things for others as well.

I think everyone should be given like 7 days worth of pass for a year as standard practice. If you choose not to use them they do not actually accumulate but you can earn more. If you prove to the greater society that you are valuable for the common good when left a few days to play then you can be issued more days. There will also be a need for stand in's I don't pretend to think that the world would function if people just decided not to participate for a few days. Instead all of those jack-of-all-trades types and recent college graduates without a plan or a direction can function as stand-ins. There will be pools of people. You leave a list of your skills and contact information and are always on call. If a mother gets the urge to compose a sonata you might be called in to pick the kids up at school, cook dinner, and make sure they do their homework. I haven't yet figured out how these people get paid. It’s something like the establishment or the man sets aside some funds, maybe the government does it through taxes or your employer has a fund set aside. Regardless the amount of goodness created by the free release of creativity will by far off set the cost. Employees will be more willing to work if they get a little me-time and crazy good things will be invented, solved, created, designed, organized, developed, discovered, uncovered, recovered. And people will be able to dig around in their brains and find hidden talents- maybe they try and write an opera but it doesn't really work, at least now they know, but what if they write it and it becomes a sensation. It reveals some amazing truth about our society and everyone loves it and feels enlightened because of it. Now this person realizes that their actual desire all along was to write and teach. They quit their office job go back and get their masters in Italian literature and sign on at the local college. The office hires someone who doesn't stare out the window all day. 3 more amazing operas and an operetta enter our world and a whole generation of future literary types come in contact with a truly happy person. This person restructures their life around writing and teaching and actually uses less pass days even though they could have earned way more. Chaos theory could take this and run but I will instead tell you how my week was.

Monday morning I realized that unlike every other week in my life comfort was not to be found in the normal, usual, patterns and practices. So I called for a stand in and requested until Wednesday. I later extended this to Friday. I met Thomas at the school and got him started playing me. He took my notes and did my homework and later this evening we are going to meet for supper and he is going to catch me up on how I did and what I need to review before the exam. Monday became an organize and prep day. I compiled all the bits and notes and ideas and lost poems, words, and ideas from the 50 notebooks I scribble in randomly and while I did not write much based on this it will be crazy useful later. I took a walk that night and Tuesday I spent a half hour at the beach and an hour sitting in the chapel at church. I spent a couple of hours on Wednesday morning and Thursday evening driving and thinking. I hung out on campus a lot all week doing 'research' and taking notes- basically I just listened to conversations in Lane and Jenks. I spent the mornings focusing on writing this play and in the evenings I had a beer and did some more focused poetry crafting. I listened to a lot of different types of music off and on and read some poetry and a few short stories. I also read a few Greek plays, a couple tragedies and a comedy, and some commentaries on both genres. All in all I got the backbone of the play done and started filling and fixing so that there is just a little touch here and a new transition there and it’s done and I wrote/fixed 5 HQ poems, came up with 2 that need some overhaul, and wrote a myriad of pieces that will be fit together later. There was an attempt at a short story but it never got off the ground. While I was driving Wednesday while I was driving I also designed a potential project to study in grad school…if I make it that far. Tonight I will celebrate my success by tossing back a few beers and telling stories with friends (and puppy) at the rectory. Also I still have 2 pass days left and if I submit my work to the committee, they might approve me for one or two more this year (or at least tack one on next year).

Since I do not live in the idyllic world of peace, love, happiness, and creativity this is how my week actually went. I spent a lot of time crying for no real good reason. I wasted a lot of time moping and wondering and trying to avoid those things that felt like (and were) shackles like classes and homework. In fact I was successful at not turning in several things or going to several classes. I only got things done or made it to class when someone shoved me or carted me in that direction. I had a professor accuse me of being an alcoholic and several other people imply as much. A few people dropped Bi-polar as an idea, and more than a handful were extremely concerned. I spent a good chunk of time with the puppy, another sizable chunk staring off into space thinking about the happy hippie house, and that’s honestly about it. Tonight I will do everything in my power to forget this week existed with the help of puppy, some friends, and some –OH groups at the rectory. Tomorrow if I can find myself, I will pick myself up and try again. My GPA is gonna suffer from a week of half-assed work and moral is generally low. I have 2 tests on the horizon and nothing good to show from the week. If I hadn’t stalled this week I could have more or less coasted into spring break but now I have to push up hill the whole way. At least now I know what’s wrong.

no-sense

Um, things stopped making sense oh lets say 2 Mondays ago. They still sort of made sense then but it quickly desolved into no-sense so that I floated through last week not paying attention to anything and smacked into a wall ont Friday. I'm searching for pieces now.

Yesterday was nothing like the tomorrow I thought today would be
But heads overturn heels and what will be won't be
I think I love you
-Love me

And Goodness

So I went to talk to Cami today and now I all of the sudden have synthasized list of how awsome life has been this week. (ie since Thursday)

Thursday- Groundhogs Day, Cami, and out with Jn
Friday- Ski trip and goodness
Saturday- Ski trip and goodness, driving with Ben
Sunday- Healing service at church, Superbowl and goodness
Monday- Sleeping in, Late night goodness, getting kicked out of the Penthouse
Tuesday- Plant seminar and scattered goodness
Wednesday- Linear Algebra is a party, Goodness, and I actually got to see 5L
Thursday- Deciding to do MBI, Cami, and the rest is TBA for the day

Perhaps I should mention that goodness in all of these cases involves some group of High Quality people. I am surrounded by them these days and it doesnt bother me at all. There were also some scattered answers to prayer mixed in with no real date. I mean I could tell you when I prayed or when I found out the answer but that isnt necessarily when the answer happened or its still an ongoing thing. So let it be known that I had one...two...threefour...five answers to prayer....and goodness. Now home for dinner and beating on the GD dishwasher.

L made me do it...or something

Four Jobs I Have Had in My Life:
1. Camp Counselor/Dish washer/Nature Center Chick (not quite a WIT)
2. Biology TA (There were some good times and some EVIL times)
3. Field Research Intern Type (damn she looks hot in waders)
4. DPS Dispatch (aka the unseen hand of vengence)

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Finding Nemo
2. Young Frankenstein
3. The Hannibal Lector 3
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Portersville PA
2. Wenham MA
3. Beverly MA
4. Ipswich MA
(5. The Biology Library (aka Penthouse))

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1. Sunday afternoon football
2. Sunday night football
3. Monday night football
4. The Simpsons

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation
1. Stuart Florida
2. Sandpoint ID
3. Trujillo Honduras
4. Pignion Haiti

Four Websites I Visit Daily (or at least weekly):
1. R'Ed
2. The Red Queen
3. 5L
4. Kt and Danl (They both write like once a month so they only each count for half a look)

Four of My Favorite Foods:
1. Annies with Tuna and Canned Peas
2. Venision Steaks
3. Goldfish Crackers and Mighty Bites (you eat them together and play games in class to stay awake)
4. Mom's Chicken and Rice (The second day)

Four Singers/Bands I Like a Great Deal (right now):
1. Dar Williams (Cleaning House)
2. A Perfect Circle (Driving)
3. Embodiment (Studying)
4. Mono (Writing)

Four Places I'd Rather Be:
1. Trujillo, Honduras (Chillin at the Gringo Bar)
2. Puerto Maldonado, Peru (or up river)
3. Stuart Florida, USA
4. My bed

Four Bloggers I am tagging:
1. RQ
2. The Red Queen
3. The Queen Mother
4. My Mom

The way things go

Somewhere in my genetic code there is this anti-quit gene. I don't like it right now but it seems to be doing its job. So I wandered to chapel and it was amazing and I wandered to linear Algebra and saved my mathmatical soul. And I survived the other bits and pieces of the day until the ski trip.

There was amazing food and a plethora of amazing people. We watched Cane Toads which rocks my world and we played games until there was no more consciousness. Then it was the next day and the same thing happened plus a fire and walks and other things. Everything went really well in fact and we did not run out of food at all. (We are still eating it in fact)

I came home and unpacked then ML! came over to make us food and his GF made us AMAZING muffins and I went driving with the Frog until I passed out (he was driving). And Sunday there was a healing service at church. We scoured the house and then the dishwasher peed all over the floor and a bunch of people came over to watch the superbowl. I am sure you already know that the Stillers won but you don't know that I sprayed salasa all over in celebration (not on purpose) or that I was fairly dangerous.

Monday I actually slept in and managed to get most of my work done and I was in the Penthouse til they came to kick me out at 2am with some quality people. I got pulled over on the way home for no good reason but no ticket so oh well.

Today again with the quality people pretty much all day and the special talk about rainforesty plants now has me all psyched up again. WE are going to move down there and be amazing. WE are also going to live in a happy hippie house this summer. WE is pretty much all of the people I have spent any time with in the past few days. WE might also be taking MBI. The jury is still out on that one. Also Lu finished my happy hippie helmet hat which is nice because I lost hat 2 of the year on the trip. This one is stripy black and some crunchy blue color. Its really thick wool and it could withstand a nuclear bomb I think. Its also really warm. Did I mention I love it. Then there was Darwin class and now I am in the penthouse again because I live here. I will wander home soon.

But can I just metion that I know some really amazing people and I have been hanging out with them a lot in the past well since Thursday. Most hail from the Bio and Chem realms but there are those outliers like the housemates and the collection that comes with them.

Also let me mention this. I have showed it to a handful of the HQ people and it seems to be a hit already...

The Clock Watcher

Ten minutes to freedom
The clock is ticking still
Enough of notes
And witty quotes
Enough of awake-by-sheer-will
All hail the great boredom
I lost an hour of my mind
In brainless stares
And glazed-over glares
But I paid well for my time


-Jn

I QUIT!

What exactly am I quitting you ask?

EVERYTHING

Anything you have ever asked me to do, thought about asking me to do, not asked me to do, thought I might do, or dreamed I did.

I quit work. I quit college. I quit class. I quit homework. I quit Bio-Club. I quit dishes. I quit computer. I quit watch. I quit medication. I quit attention. I quit diligence excellence and competence. I quit food. I quit caffiene. I quit hydration. I quit rain. I quit mud. I quit science. I don't think I quit words but they definately quit me.

I do not quit Catsby (hunny it is not your fault), Convo (only because Dr. Boorse wants me there), the other Jn (because I told her yesterday I wouldn't), or FriendAdam.

I really need a nap. -Jn


An Addendum: I don't quit quite as much. I saw Jn at convo and got hugs cause I started crying when I told her about my stress level and duration and my bio-club canceled ski trip nightmare and the lack of sleep that ensued. She is going to help me pack for the ski trip after class now. Dr. Boorse used the word 'Protoslo' in Convo and talked about the beauty of dissection. I also stumbled head first into a thearum in Linear Algebra (which Dr. Senning put my name by and I felt all special) and he thanked my little corner crew for being brave enough to answer questions even though we are not math people at all.

That being said. . .I no longer don't quit convo only because of Dr. Boorse but I advocate it myself as well. I continue to not quit Jn. I also do not quit science. I do not quit Linear Algebra because it is like a ray of light in a cruel dark world and not like college, class or homework.

Contrary to appearances I still quit Bio Club and all of the other everything listed above. I also quit the snow fort, the bell, cell phones, pizza crust, AJ scholars, admissions staff, dead earthworms, chalk dust, un-tunable guitars, that one professor, umbrellas, wet cardboard and moldy juice.