Saturday, February 25, 2006

Clearly the wrong word

I can't find the peace. Everything is hurried and disjointed and there are lots of little hopes and future plans to push me in a forward direction like spring break and graduation and the happy hippie house but the forward isnt really working to sustain the present and the past can only help so much before it is drained of emotion. Welcome to the limbo before break.

I cannot find enough time to write what I need and so I am starving and thus very off in all realms. There isnt much continuity right now. I talk to good people, I get bad grades back, I make dinner with a friend, I turn in my homework really late. They sort of all get filled good or bad and receive the same allotment of emotion for a brief period of time and are forgotten in a stack. When you don't eat for long enough you can forget you are hungry, food stops looking appetizing. So when there is no up or down I am inbetween with a sort of hollow aching apathy. I would write but what is there to write about really. I don't want to. Nothing good comes out. Starving. Something is wrong. I can't focus. I can't communicate with people. I have no time currency to buy words with anyways. Starving.

And any professor I tell that I haven't eaten in 3 days will be shocked and send me to get food maybe even during class. If I dont have money or time or something necessary they would try to help or might tell me to get a psych eval if it looks like its my fault. But if I tell them that I need some space to write it will mean nothing and if I mentioned that I am losing the desire and the ability to write they wont realize how far downhill I have gone.

I am a scientist and a writer. It isn't what I do; it is who I am. When I get off balance or when I cannot be these things I can't really function. Like starving.

These words may be lots of things but they are not 'nice'. That is such a hollow word. It doesn't have meaning anymore. I would rather you tell me it sucks or you are too busy to read it or you dont like poetry or you don't care. Those statements are honest not ones you use to take up space or indicate that you arent totally ignoring someone or something like that. It just always smells like cheap aftershave. Nice.

In betweens (Penthouse- 2/25/06)

I have been in love before
It didn’t treat me well
Seems that I attract
The deeper circles of hell
That’s all I am I guess
But tell me what you see
I’ll play ‘ever always’ for you
Be there for what you need
I can fall into your arms
Gaze into your eyes
And tell you that you’re everything
When you turn out the light
And I will mean it from the depth of me
I am not one for lies
But I don’t go much deeper anymore
Than soft looks and long sighs
It’s safer on the surface
Pretending not to feel
Pretending nothings wrong
Pretending I can heal
Here is my hand- “I love you”
You can teach me what it means
Or just use and leave me
Lost in between the in betweens


Only Once (Penthouse 2/25/06)

One note
That's all I wrote
Left it hanging in the air
I'd turn bullfrogs into babies
If I though you really cared
Words are only words
It's how you've always been
Worth the sin
But maybe only once

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